Transitions in Marriage and Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This is a blog for the last two weeks, I don't know if I can do that, but I'm doing it anyhow. One thing we talked about was breakups. Some of the reasons brought up in class were personal reasons and cost benefit analysis. Four things considered in the cost benefit analysis are connection/closeness, intimacy, increase in social status, and financial. I've only ever had one boyfriend, we didn't date for very long. He was a great guy and I enjoyed being with him, he made me feel wonderful and beautiful, but we didn't communicate very well and, going back to levels of communication, we seemed to struggle getting past superficial communication, so when I found out that I had got a job that required me to move I knew our relationship wouldn't work, so I broke up with him. It was an Exit.

I understand that breakups are usually a very painful thing and the reason is the more intimate you become with someone, the more vulnerable you are and the break up changes your interaction. I remember reading in an Ensign several years ago that the loss felt at a break up is similar to that felt when someone passes away.

This week we learned about sexual intimacy. We focused mainly on the four stages of the sexual response cycle. I don't have anything to say about that except to share a scripture. 2 Nephi 2:22-23: "And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end. And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin."

We also talked about the churches stance on having children and contraceptives. I have read talks by general authorities that teach how important it is to have children. For myself, I would want to start right away because my dream and ambition in life is to raise a family. I feel that raising a righteous family is one of the best ways I can help be an influence for good in this world. The church's stance on contraceptives, to the best of my understanding is that it is a decision to be made between a husband, wife, and the Lord.

We also spent time discussing infidelity. One of the things I found really interesting is that if a man has an affair there is a greater likely hood of the marriage staying together than in the wife had an affair. I think that infidelity is a terrible and sad thing. I don't know if I would stay with someone that wasn't faithful to me. One of the things I learned from the reading and class is how important it is to set boundaries with your spouse so that there is a safe guard against either person becoming intimate with someone else. Things like never spending time alone with someone of the opposite gender should be a no-no, no matter what.

Dating and Intimacy

This week was really interesting. We learned about dating and intimacy. The first day we talked about the Law of Attraction. There are four principles to the Law of Attraction.

1. Physical Attraction: There were two parts to physical attraction social theory and biological theory. Social theory was the idea that if you associate with people viewed as beautiful or powerful then you gain a higher status. The theory I found the most interesting was the biological theory. Men look at the ability to bear and care for offspring and women look for the ability to protect and provide. In class we talked about the hip to waist ratio which is 0.8 or small waist and larger hips. It turns out that it is the best ratio for being more fertile. Someone in class said "It's all about having babies." I thought that was hysterical.

2. Proximity: The closer you live with someone, the more opportunity for romantic relationship. this explains why so many people have met future spouses at Jacob Lake. Jacob Lake Inn is a place in the middle of the Kaibab forest and one of the rules when working there is that we can't date any of our fellow employees. It is a pretty secluded place and we all get really close and there have been at least two couples from there that have or are getting married, and several others that have dated each other after working there. It's proximity in a nutshell.

3. Similarities: It's the opposite to the saying opposites attract. People tend to be attracted to people that they are more alike. What are some similarities to myself that I would find attractive? Definitely religion, standards, and goals. I also like people that share my sense of humor and can make me laugh. I find a good sense of humor extremely attractive.

4. Familiarity: People are attracted to traits that are familiar. This can apply to having heard of the person. I heard a story and I'm not sure if it would fall in to this category or a previous one. A friend of mine was telling me her brother married someone that looks a lot like her. so much so that when my friend, her brother, and sister in law are together people think it was her brother that married into the family, not his wife.

We also spent a lot of time talking about hanging out. Hanging out is what is replacing dating, it is when a bunch of people from both genders have spontaneous, informal, get-togethers. One of my favorite terms for hanging out I heard from Elder Scott, he called it "idleness in flux". Hanging out requires no commitment and it could be one of the reasons young adult marry at a later age. I found a talk by Elder Oaks talking about dating vs. hanging out. It is called Dating Versus Hanging Out. We also talked about the purposes of dating, which includes socialization, recreation, and finding intimacy and companionship. Basically, now I want to date. We read a quote by President Spencer W. Kimball and he said that we should find our eccentricities and try to eliminate them and that would help. I'm working on it.

I think this is a funny video when thinking about dating.

We also talked about how to build intimacy. I found this extremely valuable because I feel like I lack in this area. I feel that I to often keep things at a superficial level and that it takes a while for me to get personal and extremely difficult to get to a stage of intimacy. Communication seems to be one of the vital components to building intimacy and I don't think I communicate enough. I'm working on it and I've gotten a lot better. I'll keep working on it.

Gender

This week we learned about gender and and gender roles. We defined gender as socially constructed behavior; gender roles as behavior associated with being male or female; gender role orientation as self concept of being male or female; and sex as biological identity. We also took time to make lists of traits people often associate with men and women. I personally feel that men are equal, but each has traits that make them different. I think that women shouldn't try to act like men because we have qualities that are unique and wonderful that would be lost if we tried to be like men.

President Ezra Taft Benson said: "You women were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from a man's. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness and charity. They give you the personality of a woman. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of a man...We do not doubt that women have both the brain power and skills--and in some instances superior abilities--to compete with men. But by competing they must of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man."(Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, pp. 547-48)

I agree with President Benson. I rejoice in my woman hood and in the things that make me different from men.